I’m Sorry

Hey Dude,

How’s it going? I’m about to go run a few miles while you’re off to go do whatever you plan to do, but first I think I owe you an explanation and maybe even an apology.

It is really not all that interesting that after going to certain places at generally the same times, you start to see the same people. So it is no surprise that we have run across each other quite often given how often we go to some places. After a while, “normal” people will actually start to talk to those people they see often and maybe even become more than just someone you see, but possibly friends.

However, I am not exactly a “normal” person in this regard. Sure, I have seen other people in the same places and eventually struck up conversations with those people and even become friends. Unfortunately, through no fault of yours (for the most part) that probably will not happen with you and me. It could, but it would probably take a severe amount of work on your part and if you did put in that kind of work . . . [I’d] find you stunning.

The truth of the matter is I am very much an introverted person. On top of that, I am also shy around some people. I doubt you believe that since you’ve probably seen me talking to other strangers around these parts.

However, those people have a couple of things in common. First, they usually initiate conversation with me and second if they are dudes they are probably gay or have something else going on that you don’t have.

But I try to talk to you and I initiate or try to have conversations you say. What is your damage you ask?

Well, the truth of the matter is that in addition to being an introverted and shy person, I also don’t really like people all that much. Sadly, I’ve run across too many people to make me lose faith in them and sometimes, this is how I feel when it comes to people.

But really, the thing is, I can’t seem to make my mouth work when I’m around you. It is no fault of yours, just a problem I have. It kind of goes to how our society is so rude (in general.) So if a stranger (and let’s face it, you ARE a stranger even though I “know of” you) is seemingly nice to me, it throws me off. More so when there appears to be absolutely no good reason to talk to me. At. All. Perhaps I am seriously dense, but I can’t think of a good reason why you would want to talk to me. I mean, even some of my “friends” don’t want to talk to me and they only do if they are forced to. Even then, it is reluctantly.

So if someone who doesn’t know me is nice to me, I don’t know how to take that. Why is he being nice? Does he want something? If so, what could possibly be interesting enough about me to warrant talking to. From what I have heard from mutual acquaintances, you’re a very nice person so it figures you’d try to say hi and chat.

Plus, it doesn’t help that I find you to be attractive to look at. That is mostly what keeps my mouth from actually working if you smile and say hello or heaven forbid wave at me. In fact, I’d say that attractive men intimidate the hell out of me. Like, I am so not in the league of being able to talk to such people.

Anyway, I just thought I would explain myself and also say sorry.  I suppose I should work on trying to see the good in people, but it is hard. And I have made efforts this year to do that. Like smiling back at people. Or not wearing my headphones until I am actually on the treadmill to run and taking them off when I am not running so that I might actually make myself “amenable” to talk to strangers And I am taking baby steps in the talking to strangers department. Hell, I’ve even been to a couple of events this year where I didn’t know anyone and actually chatted with people there. I know that doesn’t help when you try to talk, but I did say baby steps. (And again, why are you wanting to talk to me? It makes no sense to me!)

Of course, if we ever get past the smile and nod of acknowledgement on my part and I am able to open my mouth around you when my world isn’t being turned upside down, you might regret wanting to talk to me. Sometimes, I don’t actually shut up talking. Like now! Especially if I am ranting about something I care passionately about. Or I feel the need to be a meatball football fan and make fun of your terrible, no good football team 🙂 But only because the fan base can’t handle it and poking fun amuses me.

I do hope you know that my not talking is not because I find you repulsive. Quite the opposite actually and as I said, that is the reason I can’t talk.

So, go enjoy whatever it is you plan to do today and I will enjoy my miles that will let me daydream about all kinds of fun things. Like sitting in the back of a bus watching the world go by or talking to a snowman because he will listen and not talk back with unwanted advice. Or thinking about how eyes can warn of something.

With sincere apologies,

The girl who can’t speak when you’re around . . .

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