just kidding! i’ve never started to despise a song

For a very stupid reason, I have been listening to a lot of Ingrid Michaelson lately. I had gone several months without listening to her because I was busy wearing out other artists. Some of her songs had been staples in my running playlists, but eventually I moved on to other songs that would get me moving at a good pace and keep me going when it would start to get hard.

Anyway, she is one of my favorites and I like her songs because they say a lot of things that I can’t seem to find the words to say. I am sure I need to further explore why I like her music, but for now, I’m sticking with the lyrics thing. Anyway, yesterday her song Be Ok came on and there is a line in it of “I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today. I just want to feel something today.”

And I realized that is EXACTLY opposite of what I want at the moment. I don’t want to feel anything not maybe for a good long while. Why? Feeling makes me think and sometimes I don’t want to think too hard about things going on. And probably because it is getting harder and harder not to take things personally. Also it is hard to want to feel things when others tell you that what are completely valid things to feel, you shouldn’t feel. Whatever the reason you feel something, you should be able to feel it. More importantly, express how you feel.

On taking things personally, I’m trying really hard not to, but lately it is feeling impossible. I’m trying to get some help with a project I’m doing and pretty much no one seems willing to help. Those who have helped, I am eternally grateful for the help. However, a part of me wonders if the lack of help is because I am associated with it and because people don’t really like me, they thus won’t help. It isn’t even to benefit me personally, but to help other people. Meanwhile, it is so frustrating because the people I am trying to get to help me will ask for my help in things and because I am a jerk, I will help. But wait, maybe they can’t help me. Pretty sure that isn’t the case, but oh well. I just hope that if I will never need help personally because if the response to helping others is like this, I can only imagine how awful it would be if it were for me personally.

On valid feelings. It seems to me that no matter how “irrational” your feelings might appear, they are legitimate for you to have. When others tell you that you shouldn’t feel how you do about something, it is really annoying. It makes you not want to actually share how you feel about anything. If you do, all that is going to happen is that others will tell you to stop feeling that way or that you should feel a different way. Whatever way the other person says you should feel. Sad? No, you should be happy because ______________. Angry? No, you should feel calm because ______________. Bummed because of relationship woes? You shouldn’t be bummed because ____________.

So instead of telling people how you actually feel, you end up resorting to using phrases like, things are okay or fine. That way, no one will ask you to further explain. And you don’t have to put up with someone telling you your feelings are not valid, i.e., you shouldn’t feel that way, but instead should feel this way.

Of course, those same people would never want any one to tell them how to feel, so why is it acceptable to tell others how to feel. Or at least tell someone how they are feeling at the moment is basically not legitimate.

Maybe that will pass, but for now, I don’t want to feel anything. Feeling stuff leads to too much thinking, over-analzying of things and possibly leading to shut down all together so there is no talking for fear of people saying things they shouldn’t.