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Master of Faking it

I know when I say this, people will not believe me. However you should know it is true. I am far from the most confident person in the world. In fact, I’d say I am rather (or extremely) insecure about a lot of (ok, most) things.

Every time I tell someone this, they always give me the side eye because they just cannot believe it to be true. I must be lying because in their opinion, when have I ever been insecure? Not to mention, sometimes they will ask me for advice on how to deal with something because give advice at times is what i do. I think there are maybe five people who actually believe me when I say this because they’ve seen it. But for the most part, no one believes me. And the reason no one believes me is because somehow I have made myself the master of faking it until I make it. Then again, I do go to great lengths to not burden others with my “issues” so I shouldn’t be surprised no one believes me about stuff like insecurities.  Continue reading

Don’t Tell me to Smile

You should smile. You would look so much better if you smiled. How come whenever I see you, you are never smiling? You should smile more.

That is stuff that I would hear regularly from a used to be “friend.” And quite honestly, it pissed me off to no end. Enough so that I can say good riddance to that person being in my life. At times, I think I suffer from resting bitch face. And even if I don’t, I feel how I feel and don’t feel a need to put on a facade to please someone who can’t handle others not being bubbly and smiling 24/ 7.  Continue reading

Making Mistakes

20131122-191318.jpgI am a type a / perfectionist type of person. I have gotten better at being less type a, but with some things, I continue to be a perfectionist. Or at least try to be one. I know it isn’t good and that more likely than it ends up with me being frustrated, but I try anyway.

Anyway, today I had an audition for something and it was a good experience. In addition to doing well, I actually made some mistakes. Normally when I “screw up,” I tend to beat myself up about it. However today I was glad my screw ups happened. It was a way for me to learn what not to do when I am doing this stuff for real. Continue reading

The Creek

Tuesday afternoon was Grandma’s funeral. It was a nice service and the outpouring of love from everyone who was touched by her was tremendous.

It a little bit it was odd to see so many people I haven’t seen in forever. I felt a bit bad because I didn’t recognize them, but they recognized me. This including some childhood friends. Anyway, at some point or another, everyone there yesterday had been to Grandma’s house as a kid to play and we all enjoyed this creek at the end of the street.

There were only three houses on the street (Kimball) and one that was on the street that ran perpendicular to Kimball. The house that was on the perpendicular street, its backyard went up to the creek and while we tried to play in that area, we generally stayed away for fear of getting in trouble with the owners of that house. Continue reading

The Skills We Lack

Hearing. Listening. Two different things, yet a lot of times, people think they are the same thing. I would even hazard a guess that most of us are really bad at the latter. Sure, we hear when things are said or that people are saying something, but most of the time, we don’t actually take away the proper meaning of what we heard. Or even realize that something important was being said because we just heard something and didn’t actually comprehend it.

That is where listening comes in. Listening entails actually comprehending what someone says and really getting the meaning of it. I must admit, I’ve not been a very good listener of late. Generally, I think I am a pretty good at listening, but  I am starting to realize I haven’t been as good at it as I should be. Continue reading

I Should Have Never Come Back

December 30, 2003. This was roughly the date of my very first indoor cycling class. In my never ending quest to get in better shape and lose weight, I joined a gym that was on my way home from school and I had worked up the courage to take this type of class. It seemed like it would be fun. Though, should have known that the day I chose to go was probably not the best day to go.

It was the day before a holiday (New Year’s Eve) and needless to say I don’t think that the instructor thought any one new to this type of class would show up. However, I blew that notion out of the water by showing up. I did arrive early (something I cannot recommend enough to people trying things for the first time) so that I could get set up on the bike.

I wish I could say I fell in love with indoor cycling that night, but I didn’t. In fact, I walked out of the class about half way through. It was not an enjoyable experience. Why? Because i was not set up on the bike properly so that I could have a good time. However, I went back to another class. That second class I went even earlier to try to get my bike adjusted so that I would be comfortable riding.

The second class was better but I still wasn’t in love with it. I still needed to do more bike set up adjustment. And there was the matter of the seat really making the rear end hurt. So, I got a gel seat cushion cover to make things better. That helped a bit, but it turns out that I was never going to be comfortable on these bikes because they were crappy bikes. The gym I belonged to did an extremely poor job of maintaining the bikes. The instructor did his best to get the gym to take care of the bikes, but apparently management was more interested in other things. And charging members out the wazoo for shoddy equipment. Continue reading